For so long I’ve wondered why I hate my mother and myself. Why the last person on earth I would choose to be is my mother. I guess it started when I was 5, the day my dad left and I would hear her arguing with my dad and then refuse to let me see him. I would cry when my dad would leave until I fell asleep hating that I had to be stuck in the house with her. Maybe it was when I was twelve, and I had the biggest secret of my life and I shared it with my diary. A fifty two year old man, my babysitters husband, was fingering me and touching me every day since I was 6 until the day my mom read my diary while I was getting Chinese food. I never felt like I could trust my mom, I never felt loved, I never felt like in the movies where you the girl and mom as best friends. She read it, called my grandmother and took me to the hospital as my dad was called. She didn’t move, she didn’t cry, all she asked was “are you lying?” “I don’t believe you.” She believed me once my grandmother said to her that I wouldn’t lie about something like that and that she too was touched super uncomfortably the last time she got me. I was always told I was different , “what’s wrong with you?!” And your name is “danger” I still don’t know why it is. I was always told I couldn’t do something I dreamed about or “maybe you shouldn’t try that your not good.” If I had a problem there goes mom trying to save the day alienating me from friends and family, people disappeared because “she didn’t like them or they were using me.” My dad every 3 months in the DR, constant fighting, waiting for him to show up and never showing, stern talks through the phone when I am in trouble only. I think he’s only been to one of my graduations my entire life - 8th grade. My mom with her criticism and “you can’t get dirty or undone” you have to do what is expected of you and you have do it right or something is wrong with you. “You can’t defy me I’m your mother even though you want to make your own decisions.” “ I know what’s best I’m your mother and I sacrificed all of this for you to be better.” Now it sounds like “I’m sick of you and you are a disappointment.” “You are unfit and lazy, selfish and undeserving of any love.” I wonder am I the way I am because of my father or mother, I’m still on that journey. I am a mother now and I see myself sometimes doing what I know, defying rules just to be a rebel to hear my own decisions even though they have be consistently wrong. I want to be better, I don’t want to be them, I for sure don’t want to be her, but who am I? Why even though I’m so angry why do I still want and try for her to maybe see me one day? Why does she want to take and take away from me even though all I’ve tried to do was be me, whoever that is. Now I say fuck you and fuck your rules and fuck your opinions of me because I want to know who I want to be, I want to dream and be confident that I can accomplish that without fear and doubt always taking over. I do not want to be stagnant I do not want to be you, I want to love me and cherish me, and fight for me even if there is something so wrong with me that I will be alone. I want the right people to see me, and admire me and love me for me even if I make mistakes every single day even if it’s the same mistake. I want to be human, I want to be love, I want to grow and laugh, I want dance and cry, I want to hug my little self and tell her it’s ok I believe you and I love you and I see you no matter if no one else does. I celebrate you and everything you are l, you are a gift to this world and you have a purpose even if the world tells you no. My mom is not my voice and no one defines me but me. A self discovery journey.